You’ve all undoubtedly been waiting for this chapter. Could I possibly first suggest reviewing the section on teeth? I guess only if it related to oral sex would you even consider going to that section.

    The expression, “You only get better,” applies to sex in the forties. You can still get an erection, you still know what to do with it, and it lasts much longer. O.K. a little longer. Any of you troubled by premature ejaculation can forget needing a sex therapist in your forties. Sure, your sex brain can still be stimulated to quick orgasm, but now it may take an x-rated movie, a new woman, or a kinky move on your wife’s part.

    Let me step back a second and explain that all I am describing for the male, also applies to those females who have a strong sex drive. It’s often said that the majority of women do not fit into that category, whether as a result of physiologic or sociological differences. Naturally, there are men with weak drives as well. You will have to decide what descriptions apply to you.

    As the male gains what is perceived to be sexual prowess, but in actuality is probably an early prostate problem, the woman of lesser drive gains a sore vagina. The woman of greater drive gains a more incredible lover for the first time in years, as he now may last beyond the proverbial two minutes.
These changes can have ominous implications that can trigger mid-life crisis, or they can be directed in positive ways to expand and improve one of the many pleasures of life.
 
    Just because the male develops a slower ETO (Estimated Time of Orgasm), it doesn’t mean he will necessarily have an increased sex drive. In other words, he may not want to do it any more often, he just may do it longer when he does it. Unfortunately, this schedule may not always be consistent with his mate’s.

    Some women will for the first time in their lives start really enjoying sex, because it lasts more than a minute. These, we’ll call Latent Bloomers. Others will detest sex more than ever for the same reason (it lasts more than a minute). Still other women will develop faster ETO's which can certainly throw the timing into reverse for those men whose ETO’s become slower.

    These changes, if compatible, improve your relationships, and if incompatible, frustrations can develop that drive some to new partners. The older male will suddenly desire the young female who boosts his ego. This permits him to have stronger erections, more often, a result of the New Woman/Forbidden Fruit Syndrome. Suddenly, he is rejuvenated in bed. Little does this young girl know that in another ten years he may not get an erection. Of course, that’s only a supposition, since I have not gotten there yet myself. Little does this fading warrior realize that the young girl, who so readily stimulates him, may want to have his children. This results in another complication that finds a fifty year old guy running along side some kid on a two-wheeler trying to teach him how to ride a bike. After a couple years of raising your second set of children, when you should be relaxing, you can kiss your erection goodbye.

    The older female, whose ETO hastens, will certainly consider the young stud who can allow for mutual orgasm in seventy five seconds. The older female, who doesn’t like even one minute of carnal union, will seek out the even older, sexually inactive male. I could go on and on with various combinations, but you get the idea. The main point is to try to work out the changes, and the differences, to your benefit rather than to the demise of your relationship.

    Don’t be afraid to try some sex aids such as an erotic film, or massage techniques added to foreplay to help balance out the possible ETO differences.

    An incredible amount of sex is psychological. Anyone experiencing a wet dream is a testament to this fact. Your state of mind is tantamount to your frequency and performance. In the harried world we live in, your state of mind may not always be in the sex mode, as it is for the average eighteen year old male. You see, the Rorschach test (inkblot test) is invalid for the eighteen year old male, because all the inkblots remind him of breasts and vaginas. The forty year old male invariably sees business trends, employee negotiations, expense accounts, and other worldly images in each inkblot, so as to reveal his underlying psychological problems. The worries of the forty year old are often money related or aging related (Freud was only one-third right when he said all problems are sexual).

    All the above psychological implications of sexuality only apply if you are an overachiever. The less ambitious, who are not worried over the pressures of business and the frailties of life, probably have better, or at least more frequent sexual episodes, since it is one of the pleasures in life that shouldn’t cost much.

    What all this boils down to is that the busy executive or professional, whether male or female, is often too tired, too worried, or too busy to try out, let alone work with, the new found sexual changes associated with aging. Their minds are often too preoccupied to think about sex. They forget that sex is a wonderful pleasure that may actually help relive some of their other stresses if they would just make some time for it in their busy schedules. Of course, the schedule should not read: 10P.M. Sex with my darling wife; 9A.M. Sex with secretary; 1P.M. Sex with Janice in accounting; 3P.M Sex with Alice in records. You get the point.

    Aside from being too busy at forty, since this is the time of life where your business has peaked, you may be confronted with the dreaded disease, PMS (Pre Menstrual Syndrome). This was a little understood, actually unrecognized entity before women's rights became popular. Now, it is the blight of both men and women. It undermines the very civility of human interactions. So you can imagine what will happen when you ask  your mate, “Are you in the mood tonight?” The concept of mood only exists as from the depths of Hell.

    We are now talking about that lovable mate with whom you talked, aspired to thoughts of future days of retirement, made love to, caressed, and shared laughter with only yesterday. We are talking about the woman who, today, inspires an incredible belief in demonic possession when you say, “Good morning dear.”

    How is it that anyone can be so nasty, so intolerant of the slightest stress provoking incident? This is the same woman who in her 20’s and 30’s cried for no reason as a result of PMS. By the 40’s, a transformation takes place. Call it an intolerance for depression. For whatever reason, it changes from an internal feeling that is suppressed, to one that is expressed to all loved ones, so we too can feel as miserable as the afflicted one. It can actually proceed to a horror previously unbeknownst to mankind, DMS (Daily Menstrual Syndrome). If this goes on too long, you may have to consider therapy. This is not said in jest. PMS is a debilitating illness. Even if you don’t want to acknowledge that it exists, call it what you will. It is a serious depression/anxiety which as you age can stay internal, but more likely will manifest itself in outward behaviors that involve intolerance of intercourse both social and sexual.

    If you combine a workaholic with a DMS, there is no way any sexual life can exist. Don’t fall into either trap. Recognize the symptoms, and either make concerted efforts to change on your own, or seek help.

    While sexual function does change as we get older, so does our discussion of sex. As a matter of fact, you probably start talking about it more than you do it. This is actually a regression to our teens when we really talked about it more than we did it. Who said life doesn’t go in a circle?

    In our group of friends, who are not the least inhibited, conversation in our forties involves sex much more than our late twenties or early thirties. This may have a lot to do with the, Last Hurrah Theory, where you realize your sex-life days are, in fact, numbered. You will start to wonder if you are having as much fun as the next person. Are you doing it often enough? Are you diverse in your approach?

    One of my female friends (we are all married) recently asked, “What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve done,” in a round table discussion. We are not “swingers,” so when I said, "we are not the least inhibited," neither are we hedonists. The question seemed to take everyone by surprise. I noticed that no one seemed ready to discuss acts of sodomy with a goat. About the most risqué description offered was doing it on the dining room table. Later that year we had an admission of one couple joining the Five Mile High Club (sex in an airplane bathroom).

    It seems that the women ask more of the questions, while the guys have an irresistible need to use the “F” word. Hopefully, there is not an inverse relation between these phenomena and the rigidity of erection. If that were the case, the wives will be asking more and more questions, while the only “f”-ing we’ll be doing is with our vocabularies.

    The previous sentence was first put on paper about two years ago. It was supposed to be the last sentence in the chapter. When you are writing about observations on aging over the course of many years, lo and behold, something else pops up, or should we say does not pop up. Thus, the reason to carry on.

    Earlier, I defined the mid-life crisis as a psychological derangement with secondary hormonal overtones. Little did I know I’d get to explore the phenomenon on a personal basis. One evening, while in the midst of a sexual interlude, I was aghast to notice that I was not really into it. This was a mind-blowing experience for me.  After all, I was the one who could, over the years, just be sitting around minding my own business, and for no apparent reason develop an erection. Most men can experience an episode of impotence early on in their sexual experimentation if they get intimidated or fearful of performance. The first-time extramarital affair, or even a new woman for the devout bachelor, can culminate in an unsuccessful encounter. But with your wife, that's absurd. I never heard of such an occurrence. Certainly not with one who has a great relationship.

    With some effort, the act was consummated but not without repercussion. Needless to say, this type of experience is disheartening.

    I ran to my library to look for a book that I must have bought twenty years ago. Luckily, my library consists of two bookcases mostly filled with dental books, so it wasn’t too hard to find. Ah ha! I felt like I just found a treasure map.

    When I was in my early twenties, I remember getting a subscription to some magazine that offered, as a bonus, a sex manual. Like most twenty year olds, I figured, “What else could I possibly have to learn?” At that time it seemed totally irrelevant. I mean, they were talking about female orgasm and impotence. I had no need for this, until now. There I was, reading what some “world authority” had to say about impotence twenty years ago.

    What a revelation! This guy says that he has occasional episodes of impotence that he initially worried about but then realized that he just wasn’t in the mood. What? This guy sounds like someone’s wife! What does he mean, he’s just not in the mood? Why didn't he just go with the, "I have a headache,” excuse? He went on to explain that when he’s not getting into it, he just tells his partner its not right for him now. He said he’s entitled to "not perform" if he’s not up to it. Now, here’s the revelation. He’s obviously forty-something or maybe even fifty-something. It doesn’t matter. What’s happening, is that his hormone levels decreased, and his body chemistry just put the breaks on his libido. That’s right! There comes a time (I hate to use the "come" word here) when you go from wanting to mate with a sheep, or even inanimate objects (let’s say when you are 15 years old) to still being excited by a nipple, to, gag, Not In The Mood.

    While this is hormonal, it can lead to psychological derangement (mid-life crisis or some other aberrant life styles). You see, the ability to have an erection is the essence of life when, in fact, you are erect.
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